Chronic Self-Gaslighting- Unraveling the Cycle of Self-Doubt and Misdirection
Why do I keep gaslighting myself? This question has been haunting me for years, as I struggle to understand why I repeatedly put myself through emotional turmoil and self-doubt. Gaslighting, a term originally derived from the play and film “Gaslight,” refers to a manipulative tactic used by an abuser to make a victim question their own sanity and reality. In my case, I’ve been gaslighting myself, often without even realizing it, and it’s time to confront this destructive pattern and break free from its hold.
Gaslighting myself has taken many forms over the years. I’ve found myself questioning my own feelings, doubting my abilities, and even questioning my own memories. I’ve allowed others’ opinions to overshadow my own, and I’ve let fear and self-doubt dictate my actions. This cycle of self-destruction has left me feeling isolated, insecure, and lost.
The reasons behind my self-gaslighting are multifaceted. One of the primary factors is my upbringing. I grew up in an environment where my parents were often critical and dismissive of my feelings and needs. This led me to internalize their negative attitudes and question my own worth. Additionally, I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, which have exacerbated my tendency to doubt myself.
Another contributing factor is my perfectionistic nature. I’m constantly striving for perfection, which often leaves me feeling inadequate and like I’m never good enough. This perfectionism has driven me to set impossibly high standards for myself, and when I don’t meet them, I berate myself for failing.
To break free from this cycle, I’ve started to implement several strategies. First, I’ve begun to recognize the signs of gaslighting myself, such as questioning my own feelings or memories, and I’ve made a conscious effort to challenge these thoughts. I’ve also started to surround myself with supportive people who reinforce my self-worth and remind me of my strengths.
Furthermore, I’ve been working on developing self-compassion. This involves treating myself with the same kindness and understanding that I would offer a friend. I’ve learned to acknowledge my feelings and needs, and to give myself permission to make mistakes.
In conclusion, understanding why I keep gaslighting myself has been a difficult and ongoing process. However, by confronting the root causes of this destructive behavior and implementing new strategies, I’m hopeful that I can break free from the cycle and build a healthier, more authentic relationship with myself.
